


Brand New Start

by gestaltrose



Series: AU Ackles Foster Jared [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-21
Updated: 2011-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-15 20:08:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gestaltrose/pseuds/gestaltrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Padalecki is one messed up kid, after his parent die he his tossed from Foster home to Foster home slowly losing everyone he loves.  He's given one last chance with the Ackles.  Can he come to peace with his past?  Will he admit that he's attracted to Jensen?  AU story of a hurt boy who's trying to find some peace and maybe, if he's lucky, love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brand New Start

Jared Padalecki knew all about starting over and second chances. But, after just turning seventeen having been through twelve foster homes since his parents died when he was eight, he wasn’t too excited about starting over again. The first four he was with his brother and sister. Then on his thirteenth birthday his brother Jeff was arrested.

He and Megan got to see Jeff a few times before they were sent across the state to another foster home. Jeff had been arrested for beating up their foster father. The police couldn’t or didn’t want to believe Jared or Megan when they tried to explain that Jeff had just been trying to protect both of them, because their foster father was a city commissioner and upstanding member of the community.

Branded as a liar, Jared tried his damnedest to show each new foster family that he wasn’t one. Everyone always seemed to think it was an act. Megan got on well with the next one and soon they found a reason for Jared to leave and keep her. No one listened to him when he asked, maybe begged, someone to keep them together.

Knowing that he had abandonment issues didn’t make any difference with the way he reacted to people. He pushed every family away from him before he could be rejected. First his parents died, then he lost his brother followed by his sister, his life was just one mess after another. So it wasn’t a surprise to him when no one was at the Dallas bus stop to pick him up.

His latest case worker, the one that had put him on the bus here, had told him he had one year. After that he would receive no more help from the great state of Texas. He had to stay out of trouble and then he could do what he wanted, go where he wanted, but he had to wait a year. That’s why he was standing here, outside this Greyhound bus station with everything he owned at his feet. One more foster home, Jared sighed.

Fidgeting as soon as the bus pulled away and there was no one there to pick him up, he was nervous and worried. Picking up his bag, Jared then sat it back down. He did it a few times each time he was ready to leave. He didn’t need this shit. Reaching down he picked his bag again, this time he swung it to his shoulder just as a beat-up pickup truck came around the corner and pulled to a stop in front of him. Shifting his weight back and forth between his feet, he wondered briefly if he should run.

He had ran away once, family nine if he remembered right, trying to get back to Megan or just trying to get away. At fifteen he thought he couldn’t get a job, especially since he looked younger than that. Finding out that wasn’t quite true had been a bit of a surprise to him, though later he wondered why anything surprised him by then. Some guy had pulled up, just like this guy was, and had offered him fifty bucks for a blow job. He had given blow jobs before, to one of his foster fathers, but the guy had always complained, no matter how much Jared had tried to please him it wasn’t right. So he was a bit hesitant, what if this guy found out he sucked at it and didn’t pay him or worse raped him, but he really needed the money.

Not eating for a week reorganizes your priorities. He had got in the guy’s car, given him a blow job. He must not have done too shitty of a job because the guy still gave him a fifty. He managed for a month before he was picked up by the cops and got sent to yet another foster home.

Looking the guy over as he pulled up in that old truck he wondered what exactly he wanted. He hadn’t traded sex for money or food in a couple of years. Jared took a step back as the guy put the truck in park and got out. He stared. This was possibly the cutest guy he had ever seen.

“Jared?” Mr. Cute said.

When Jared nodded hesitantly the guy smiled like he was happy to see him. It put him immediately on his guard. No one was ever happy to see him, unless they wanted something from him.

“I’m Jensen.” The guy waited like Jared was supposed to recognize him or something. “Jensen Ackles, you’re going to be staying with us.”

“Alan Ackles,” Jared said as he dug a piece of paper out of his pocket. “Yeah, Alan Ackles was supposed to pick me up.” He had got that much out of his case worker.

Jensen nodded and Jared watched him closely, looking for a sign that Jensen was lying. “One of the horses went into labor, she was having trouble delivering. Dad sent me so he could stay and help,” Jensen said matter-of-factly. Jared nodded slowly and Jensen smiled. Jared’s brain almost shut down, no man had the right to be that beautiful.

“Where’s the rest of your stuff?” Jensen asked with a small smile, after looking around.

Jared just readjusted the bag on his shoulder and Jensen’s smile faltered. Feeling like he had just won some kind of contest, Jared didn’t let it show on his face. Yet, another lesson he had learned early, and very well.

Getting to the door of the truck, Jensen recovered. “You want to take it in the cab with us?”

Fuck yeah, everything he owned was in his bag. He didn’t want it bouncing around in the back of a pickup. Jared just nodded, letting his hair fall in front of his eyes. Holding the door for him, Jensen shut if after Jared got in and sprinted around to the driver’s side. Getting in he smiled over at Jared and Jared ignored the butterflies that swirled in his stomach at the sight.

“Cat got your tongue?” Jensen asked after they had been on the road for a while.

“No,” Jared said quietly.

Jensen smiled one of those smiles again and Jared had to stop his toes from curling in his shoes. It wasn’t good, Jared thought as desire swirled in his stomach. He hadn’t ever had a good experience with desire and soon his empty stomach was rolling with his stress, desire gone. It rumbled loudly and Jared saw Jensen look at him out of the corner of his eye.

Pulling into a fast food place, Jensen asked him what he wanted. Jared shrugged so Jensen ordered enough food for five and set it on the seat beside him. The smell of warm fries filled the cab and Jared’s stomach grumbled again. Jensen just opened a bag and thrust it at him. Jared lifted a French fry out and slid it into his mouth, chewing slowly.

Three days on the bus or waiting at bus stops and he’d had all of his money stolen the first night. He was really hungry and as long as he had been without food, he knew if he just chowed down he would end up puking, not the impression he wanted to make. He didn’t want to think about how he knew about not eating for so long before. So, he ate slowly. It took them another hour to get to the road leading to the Ackles house.

It wasn’t until they were pulling up in front of large house that Jared realized that it had been a driveway the whole time after they had turned off the main road. There were lights on in the house and at the barn that he could see from the truck.

“Jenny?” a woman’s voice yelled from the barn as they got out of the truck.

“Yeah Mom,” Jensen yelled back and Jared smirked inside, _Jenny_.

“Dad’s good, you show Jared the house and go to bed. Up early tomorrow.”

Jared watched as Jensen sighed. “Yeah Mom,” he yelled back again, and he turned and looked at Jared. He had already got his bag and Jared was standing with his hand on the truck door that he still had opened. Jensen _Jenny_ gave him another smile and grabbed the rest of the food out of the truck, frowning when he realized just how little Jared had eaten.

He handed Jared the bag that he had been eating out of. “In case you get hungry later.”

Jared clutched the bag and gave Jensen a nod. Jensen started up the steps to the screened porch that, as far as Jared could make out, wrapped all the way around the house stopping when he realized that Jared wasn’t behind him. The words of his case manager rang in his ears. _One year. Last chance._ Squaring his shoulders Jared followed Jensen. He could do this; he had to, it was juvie for him if he couldn’t make it here.

They stepped into the house and the first impression that Jared had was normal. It wasn’t spotless like some kind of anal retentive person was in charge, but it wasn’t a mess either. The mostly open floor plan meant that he could see all of the living areas of the house. The kitchen was clean but not spotless. Jared could see dishes in the sink. The dining room was tidy but there were magazines stacked on a chair against the wall and a sweater that had been just tossed down.

The living room was amazing, Jared had to admit. For a moment he let himself imagine what it must have been like to grow up here. However, he remembered how many of his past homes had looked great at first but turned out to be like sugar covering up poison.

One of his foster moms had been addicted to pain pills, so much so that she ‘helped’ Jared into a broken wrist, just so she could swipe his medication. Others had treated him like a maid, expecting him to clean up after them. After all weren’t they doing him a favor by taking him in? Jared stomped on any good feelings he had about this place until he knew for sure. Jensen had walked across the living room and called his name. Jared broke out of his reverie and looked at him.

“Your room, it’s this way,” he motioned down the hall.

His room, Jared’s stomach clenched in worry as he followed Jensen. Knowing that social services had to come out and make sure a potential foster family has enough rooms and then giving said room to the foster child were two different things. Jared had slept in the garage at one of his families houses and in a closet at another. At one point during detention at school he had read a Harry Potter book for shits and giggles but he had found himself relating to Harry more than he’d like to admit.

Jensen stopped in front of a door and turned the knob. “You’ve got your own bathroom, but don’t get too excited. Mom’ll make you clean it.”

Jared nodded and stepped inside. His own room. His own room. It was too good to be true, Jared’s shoulders slumped, this had to be Jensen’s room and he was just having one over on him. Trying to smile like he got the joke when he wanted to cry was a bit harder than he thought. It hurt him, and that scared Jared to death. How could he like Jensen enough to care whether or not he’d be cruel? Jensen was still standing in the door way and Jared wondered why he didn’t come in.

“Nice joke,” Jared said.

Jensen looked confused and Jared almost believed it. “What joke?”

Jared motioned to ‘his’ room. Now that he got a closer look at everything he _knew_ this wasn’t true. It had to be someone’s idea of a sick joke. There were collectibles scattered around the room and Jared could tell that they would fetch a mint at the pawnshop. He had worked for a pawnshop that one of his foster parents had owned. Eleven? No ten, it was ten. Jared had learned quickly the best things that would cause a pawnshop owner to fork over cash and this room was filled with them. Jared had been taken from that home, after his foster parents had been arrested for theft. They, of course, tried to blame Jared but he had witnesses that time.

Jensen stood there and frowned at him like he didn’t understand.

“My room?” Jared tried again and Jensen nodded.

“This is your room. Can I come in?” That’s why he was standing in the doorway? He was waiting for an invitation?

Jared shrugged and Jensen obviously took that as a yes. Walking past Jared, Jensen moved to a door on the other side of the room. He opened it. “Bathroom.” Jared was distracted by Jensen’s smell. Jared’s stomach clenched with desire again as Jensen passed by, he smelled so good. Feeling nauseous he set his bag on the bed.

“Oh,” Jensen said. “I should go and let you sleep. I hope you like it here Jared.”

Jared sat on the bed, hands folded in his lap, waiting for someone to come and tell him where he would really be staying. Food in his stomach and a warm room were making him sleepy. Telling himself that it would be okay if he laid down as long as he was on top of the covers, Jared did so.

Something woke him. Jared kept his eyes closed and listened. He remembered where he was and his heart started to race, _oh fuck_ he’d fallen asleep in the room, the one that wasn’t his. Wondering just how much trouble he was in, he lay still and waited.

“He’s asleep with his clothes on,” a woman’s voice said.

“It looks like he didn’t bother to unpack either,” a deeper man’s voice said and Jared heard footsteps into the room. Someone pulled a comforter over his shoulders and Jared smelled lilies and lilacs.

“What a day for the dear,” the woman said again.

“Hon, he’s seventeen. I doubt he’d like being called a dear. Come on, let the boy sleep. We can talk to him in the morning.”

“Fine, fine. I’m coming,” Jared heard the lady say and then the door shut. It must have been Mr. and Mrs. Ackles and they hadn’t kicked him out of this room.

Jared rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. His brain was racing. They wanted him to have this room; it wasn’t some stupid joke of Jensen’s. Feeling a warm feeling wash over him when he thought of Jensen, Jared ignored it. Slowly, Jared’s brain calmed down enough that he fell asleep.

Waking up the next morning, Jared lay with his eyes closed and wondered what he would see when he opened them. At the sound of a knock at the door, his eyes flew open. There was a pause and then another knock followed by someone softly saying his name.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes before he said, “Yeah.”

The door creaked open a little bit. “Breakfast will be ready in a few if you want to come and join us.” It was Jensen.

Jared made some kind of affirmative noise and the door shut again. Remembering this room had its own bathroom, he went in to check it out. Yes, a shower. If he had thought they were going to leave him in this room he would have showered last night. Grabbing his bag he dug through it quickly for a change of clothes that were better than what he had on. Three days on the bus left him feeling disgusting.

He showered and changed before digging up some courage and heading out to the kitchen. The first thing he saw and smelled was food. His stomach rumbled so loudly that he blushed and glanced around at everyone there. There was a girl, very near Megan’s age he supposed, and Jensen. Mr. and Mrs. Ackles came into the kitchen.

“Hi, Jared. I’m Donna,” Mrs. Ackles introduced herself. “This is Alan, and Mackenzie,” she introduced Mr. Ackles and the girl, “and you know Jensen. Our oldest son, Josh, is away at law school, but he should be here for the holidays. That’s our crew, now it’s time to eat.” She picked up a plate of hotcakes that were a mile high and set them on the table. Jensen and Mackenzie brought other food to the table, bacon, sausage, and hashbrowns. It had been a long time since Jared had seen this much food in one place.

Alan took a seat and motioned for Jared to sit near him. Hesitantly, Jared did. Wondering if this is where is would all go bad. “Jensen says you’re quiet. Seeing as Jensen is normally quiet as a church mouse that must make you _very_ quiet.” He gave Jared a smile.

“Say the grace, please.” Jared jerked his face towards Donna, fear suddenly running through him. Some of the worst foster homes he’d been in had been religious ones. It was amazing how far people could go under the guise of religion. Donna however was looking at Alan.

Alan ducked his head and so did everyone else, Jared follow suit because he didn’t want to make waves first thing. “Blessings upon this food. Blessings upon this family. Blessings upon all who need. May no one hunger.”

“Amen,” Jensen, Mackenzie, and Donna said with Jared’s amen, echoing after. That had to be the weirdest prayer he had ever heard. Short though, short was good. He was passed each dish after Alan and put some food on his plate before passing it to Jensen who sat next to him. Jared was pleasantly surprised when they didn’t restrict what he was eating or urging him to eat more; both would have caused him to stop eating. They treated him just like they treated Jensen and Mackenzie. Jared watched everyone from under his bangs, arm around his plate unconsciously protecting his food. He got that Donna and Alan exchanged glances but they didn’t say anything so Jared ate.

Afterwards, Jensen and Mackenzie were sent off to do chores. Donna and Alan sat down in the living room, Jared noticed that the sweater that had been tossed in the chair was now gone but the magazines were still a mess. Donna sat on the couch and Alan sat next to her, which left the chair across from the couch for Jared.

Alan got out a folder and slid it across the coffee table that was between them. “This is everything they sent us about you. We know nothing else. If you want to explain some things, great but if not. . . well, it’s your life. Donna and I are new at this fostering business, but we’ve done the parenting one for a few years now. We need to let you know what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking them. But I want you to know we do not hit anyone here, nor is hitting allowed. Go on,” Alan urged him to pick up his folder.

Jared had never, ever got to look at what was in his foster care folder. He flipped it open. Words popped out at him; slow, angry, stubborn, inventive, distrustful, argumentative, fabricator, story teller, intelligent, potential, quiet, loud and on and on. . .. They called him stupid and intelligent, quiet and loud. Shit, there he was defined by a group of words, contradictory words at that. He shut the folder and looked over at the Ackles’ who were watching him. “It’s stupid,” he finally said.

Donna Ackles surprised him. “Yeah it is,” she said.

“First rule,” Alan Ackles said, “always tell the truth. Trust me you’ll be in less trouble than if we catch you in a lie. Second rule – you help when asked. This is a working farm and we all have chores. If you get yours done then everything runs smoother. If you need help, ask. If you don’t understand something, ask. No one, not Jenny, Mac, Donna or I mind explaining. Sometimes there might be an emergency and you might not have the chance to ask but hopefully before that happens we will have gotten your trust.”

 _Not likely_ , Jared thought to himself. Although he had to admit this was turning out to be very different than what he had come to expect. Now he was waiting for them to hit him with the bad news.

“Today you get to settle in. Take a walk. There’s a pond not too far, Jenny or Mac can show you how to get there. Just get used to being here. Tonight make up a list of things you’d like to learn or do and tomorrow we’ll see what chores we have that could fit your list. Most of the horses run loose on the range, but a few we keep close. Just stay away from the red mare in the far corral,” Alan warned. “She near killed one of the hands and we’re not sure why. Might just have to put her down.”

Donna pushed a basket at him; an honest to goodness picnic basket. “Sunscreen, a hat, some shorts about your size, in case you want to go swimming. And food of course.”

Jared took the basket almost out of self-defense. He was afraid of what else Mrs. Ackles might give him if he kept standing there. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“Oh it’s no problem.” Jared had the feeling she was going to gush at him some more or worse try to hug him but Alan placed a hand on her arm and she held still and shut her mouth.

“There’s over a hundred acres out there, but where there’s trees there’s water. All the streams eventually run into the one out there.” Alan motioned out the door. “Try to be in before dark. We really don’t want to send a search party out.” Then Alan leaned in a stage whispered to Jared, “And we don’t want Donna calling in her friends to help in the search.”

“I heard that Alan Ackles and I want to know what’s wrong with my friends?” Donna said, and giving Jared a wink she motioned him out the door.

“Besides them being useless on a farm?” Alan answered as Jared let the screen door shut behind him. Holding the basket to his chest he looked around. This was the most freedom he had had in a long, long time.

“Jared,” Jensen said walking around the corner of the house, “they let you go, already?” He was smiling in a way that warmed Jared and at the same time made him wary.

“Yeah,” Jared said.

“What are you supposed to do?”

“Relax?” Jared said it like he wasn’t sure how to do it, and he wasn’t.

Jensen laughed and Jared liked that. He decided he would love to hear Jensen laugh more. “If you’re so unsure, why don’t you come with me? I need to go and feed the horses; the job always goes faster with two.”

“Sure,” Jared said and followed Jensen to the barn. There was a tractor with a flatbed hooked to it stacked with bales of hay. Climbing in the driver’s seat, Jensen motioned Jared to get on the flatbed. Jared did. Wedging himself and his basket between a couple of bales in the front he was stable enough as they pulled out of the barn and headed down towards a gate. Mackenzie ran up but Jensen shook his head and pointed at Jared. She waved at him with a smile and mouthed ‘thank you.’ Jared looked back at Jensen who was shaking his head and laughing. He pointed at the barn and Mackenzie’s smile dropped into a pout and she turned and plodded towards the barn. Jared almost laughed.

They stopped outside the gate and Jensen shut the tractor off. Motioning for Jared, he walked around to the front of the tractor. Jared followed, hesitantly.

“This gate can be tricky. I wanted to show you how to open it.” Jensen lifted on the gate and then wiggled a bar back so that the whole thing could be opened. It swung outwards towards them and Jared saw a wire across in front of them. “That’s hot,” Jensen said and lifted a hook out of a metal loop and let them hit. The resulting spark and snap made Jared jump. “This is insulated,” he held out the plastic handle and Jared hesitantly took it. “Five thousand volts, it’ll knock a bull on its ass’; it’ll hand you yours on a platter,” Jensen said with a smile.

“Happen to you?”

“Happens to everyone once, at least. Never let any of those idiot ranch hands talk you into peeing on one,” Jensen said quietly.

“Why?”

“Happened to Josh. He said he couldn’t stop peeing and it felt like his dick was on fire. Mom and Dad had to take him to the hospital and Josh said there was talk of removing a testicle.”

Jared felt his trying to crawl up into his body at the thought and he held the plastic handle away from himself. “Ouch,” he said.

“Yeah but I think he might have been pulling my leg. Mom and Dad never said anything about it, but then they wouldn’t would they?” Jensen asked.

Jared shrugged, what was he supposed to say to that?

Jensen took the handle from Jared and then gave a little scream and Jared nearly jumped out of his skin but instead he froze, which had become his normal way of reacting to fear because if he ran. . .holy shit if he ran it would be so much worse for him. So the habit had become so ingrained that he just stood there, shoulders hunched ready as he could be for what was coming for him.

“Jared,” Jensen said and touched him on the shoulder and Jared just hunched in more. “Jared, I’m sorry. I’m okay, it was just a joke.”

Jared looked up at Jensen his heart racing and his breathing ragged.

“Jared?”

Slowly Jared realized he wasn’t about to get hit and he blinked. Breathing out, he straightened up and looked at Jensen. He could see fear on Jensen’s face and Jared smiled and tried to reassure him. “Sorry, I just. . .get these spells.” Yeah, better that Jensen think he was crazy than scared. “I’m good.”

“You sure?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah. We gonna feed horses or what?” Jared motioned to the land in front of him.

“Or what,” Jensen said with a smile. He put the wire on the ground, got on the tractor and drove it through the gate. “Can you shut it?” Jensen asked Jared who nodded.

Shutting the gate turned out to be nearly as tricky as opening it. Jared lifted and jiggled and pushed and finally the bar slipped into place. Jensen nodded at the hot wire on the ground and Jared found his heart racing as he reached for it. It was kind of anticlimactic how it just hooked into the other part with hardly a snap.

“Good job,” Jensen said and for the first time Jared actually had hope that this might just work out.

\---

It was three and a half weeks before Jared had a breakdown. He had been trying so hard to do what the Ackles wanted him to while never doing anything for himself, but then again he had never before been permitted to think that he might deserve something for himself.

Finally he just snapped. He yelled at Donna, Alan even Jensen and they just stood there, didn’t say anything back, didn’t yell at him, nothing. What the hell was wrong with these people? He ran outside and kept running, staying near the green that told him water was near. He ran until he was out of breath. Collapsing beside an old water trough he cried like he hadn’t let himself cry in years. He hadn’t cared so he hadn’t cried but these people were trying so damn hard to make him. . .what? A better person? He swiped his tears out of his eyes. Tears were a weakness, for someone to exploit.

He didn’t understand what the Ackles wanted from him. He did his chores just like Mackenzie and Jensen. Hell, most of his problems started and stopped right there. Jensen Ackles. He was too nice, too cute, and too damn straight. Jensen wasn’t a player but the few times Jared had gone to town with him, Jensen had shown a mighty appreciation for a cute ass and a well turned ankle. . . at least that’s how he put it. Cute ass and nice tits is what Jared would have said.

It was cool, except it wasn’t. The only ass Jared found himself admiring was Jensen’s -- as if that wasn’t just all kinds of wrong. Jensen who treated him like a brother, making Jared long to see Jeff again; and Jensen who haunted his dreams, making him wake up with come soaked sheets. Fuck, he hadn’t been this screwed up with his feelings in a long time. It had been easier not to feel anything. He liked the Ackles and that messed him up more.

He sat with his back against the rusty tank, his knees up and his head buried in his arms. Tears fell and Jared just wanted to give up. It was too hard, everything was too hard. Just then he felt hooves hitting the ground. He looked up and around to see if someone was coming, not sure if he wanted someone to come after him. The sun was shining from behind the horse that he could plainly see had no rider. He could also make out quite clearly that it was a mare. She was hesitantly approaching him and Jared just curled in on himself more, trying to make himself smaller.

His hair was wuffed and then nibbled on.

“Hey,” Jared said and the horse threw back her head as if she were startled that he could speak. “Hey,” Jared said a bit quieter and held his hand out to the mare. His hand was wuffed this time, the warm breath from her nostrils flowing over his hand and then she lipped at his hand not biting just kind of like a ‘getting to know you’ thing.

Slowly Jared stood and the horse moved back a few paces. She was wilder than all of the other horses he had seen on the ranch. “It’s okay,” Jared started talking quietly to soothe her and once he started he didn’t stop. “I’m scared too,” he admitted to the horse what he couldn’t admit even to himself. “Everything is so confusing, and I am starting school in a few weeks. If the Ackles don’t give up on me. You don’t think they will, do you?” Jared looked at the horse and she turned and started walking away. Stopping after a few steps and looking back at him as if to say ‘you’re coming aren’t you?’ Jared figured things could hardly get worse at this point so he followed the horse.

He talked and talked. He had been pretty sure he was gay but he knew that his past experiences might be coloring his perception so he went over everyone he had ever been attracted to in his life. Males, everyone except for Ellen DeGeneres but he had thought she was a guy at the time. Trying to work out something probably having to do with Jensen, Jared talked and talked. The horse listened to him ramble, change subjects and basically just work things out as they walked; finally it was growing dark and Jared was starting to get concerned about their footing when the horse stood still. Jared stopped next to her and laid his hand on her neck. She nickered and shifted her weight to bump into him. There was the Ackles’ place, right in front of him. He wondered if the horse was going to follow him to the house but she just nickered again and swung away from him, trotting off into the dusk.

Weird.

Jared hadn’t come to any conclusions, no great epiphanies except for him being more comfortable being himself, if that was important. Wondering who the mare was, Jared went thought the fences and headed towards the house. Coral honeysuckle was growing on a vine over the fence that ran around the yard. He stood outside, the lengthening shadows and the warm sweet scent of honeysuckle wrapping around him, making him feel safe. He could plainly hear voices from the house.

“We should call the police,” Donna Ackles said.

“No, we get them involved and they will take Jared from us. He’s a smart boy. He’ll come back.”

“Oh Alan, did anyone warn him about the bees? What if he ran into a swarm.” Jared could hear Donna making a choking sound. It took him a few moments to realize she was crying. “But what if. . .”

“Nothing has happened to him,” Alan reassured her. “Jensen is out looking, it’ll be okay. I’m sure someone told him, he’s been working with Jenny and Mac, they know.”

“He’s hurting Alan. I could see it on his face. I don’t know how to help.”

“He’s got to trust us, hon. Once he does, he’ll open up. It’ll get better,” Alan said and Jared was feeling more and more the voyeur, so he opened the screen door and let it bang shut behind him.

“Jenny, did you find. . .?” Donna’s voice trailed off. “Jared, we were worried.” She hugged her arms against her like she wanted to hug him.

Jared nodded, his throat closing around whatever he had been going to say. Tears sprang to his eyes again. “’m sorry,” he said. “I understand why you want to send me away,” he added quietly. Walking across the room he headed for the hallway and his bedroom.

“Where you going, son?”

Jared jerked around at Alan’s words. “To pack.”

“Why?” Alan asked.

“I’m leaving. You don’t want me anymore, too much trouble.” _Too much work,_ Jared added mentally.

“Nonsense,” Alan said and Donna nodded emphatically beside him. “We want you to stay.”

“Even after?” Jared mentioned the fight earlier, him yelling.

“Even after. You don’t just give up because it gets hard,” Alan said. “Do you understand?”

Jared nodded even though he wasn’t sure he did understand. Just then Jensen came tearing into the house. “Dad the mare’s loose and Jared’s. . .” Jensen saw Jared. Jensen looked him up and down as if he were trying to catalogue wounds but there weren’t any. He missed Donna and Alan’s looks but Jared didn’t. Clearing his throat, Jared stepped backwards.

“The red mare?” Alan asked Jensen and Jensen nodded. “How did it happen? Was anyone hurt? Are you okay? Is Mackenzie?”

“God Dad,” Jensen looked at his dad. “Which one do you want me to answer first? I don’t know. No, no one. Yes I am. Yes she is. In fact. . .” Jensen stepped aside and Jared heard footsteps running on the porch.

“Dad the mare’s out and no one’s seen Jare. . .” She stopped as she came in and saw everyone gathered around. “Oh you know,” Mackenzie said quietly and moved to stand in front of Jared. She looked at him for the longest time and Jared again felt like he was being examined. Leaning in she gave him a quick hug, he barely had time to stiffen in reaction when she pulled back. “I’m glad you’re okay. I was worried.”

“Sorry,” Jared said to her and then louder to everyone else in the room. “Sorry.”

“You here safe and sound, that’s what’s important,” Donna said. “We all need to sit down and talk about this as a family but not tonight. Everyone take a break, take a breath and we will sit down tomorrow. . . after breakfast I think would be good. So that Jared doesn’t have to spend the day worrying.”

How did she know that’s what he would do? Maybe they did care. He headed for his bedroom when he was stopped by Jensen.

“Mac wasn’t the only one worried,” he said.

Jared felt a blush coming on. He had avoided being too close to Jensen for this reason. He hated the way his body just reacted to him without giving Jared a choice. “’m sorry,” he mumbled and tried to move past Jensen.

“When I saw the red mare had gotten out I was scared. I was worried you were lying out there bleeding and thinking that we didn’t care. That I didn’t care. I wanted you to know that.” Jensen said in a low voice that trickled across his spine and made his fingers and toes tingle.

“Gotcha. You don’t care,” Jared said with a small smile knowing he was purposefully ignoring what Jensen meant.

Jensen frowned and ran a hand through his short hair. “No that’s not what I. . .” then he realized that Jared was teasing him. “Oh you,” Jensen said and put an arm up on one side of Jared head.

Jared tipped his head back a little and suddenly everything was very, very serious. Both of them stopped smiling. Jensen stared at Jared’s mouth and Jared stared at Jensen staring at him. Jared could feel his pulse quicken and he thought for a moment that Jensen might lean in that little bit and kiss him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted it to happen or not but it didn’t matter because just then Mackenzie came around the corner, Jensen gave him a half smile, and moved his arm so Jared could go to his room.

“You are gonna get it in the morning,” Mackenzie said in a sing song voice as she passed by the both of them and suddenly Jared felt nauseous. Jensen seemed to understand Jared’s sudden change of expression.

“She doesn’t mean it bad. She’s just teasing.”

“But I yelled, at you, at them. Oh fuck I am so screwed,” Jared whispered.

“No, at most it’ll be a couple of extra chores and maybe no radio for a week. Honest Jared, whatever you’re used to that isn’t us, it isn’t here, I promise,” Jensen said.

“You’ll stay with me then?” Jared looked at Jensen hopefully.

“If you want me to, I’m sure Mom and Dad won’t mind.”

“Please,” Jared asked. Unable to explain, even to himself, why he felt safer around Jensen when it was his feelings about Jensen that got him all mixed up in the first place.

“Sure thing,” Jensen said and ruffled his hair like he was twelve or something. “See you in the morning.” Jensen said as he walked away.

Jared stood outside his room with his hand on the handle for a long time watching down the hall where Jensen had gone. Finally, he had enough of whatever was going on in his head and went into his room. God he had almost fucked everything up. But he hadn’t, and they had been worried. All of them. They cared. It was like he was in a dream and kept expecting to wake up. They actually cared about him. With that thought he slid into bed and went to sleep.

 _Jared was small, smaller than the man who was coming at him. “You’re useless, good for nothing shit that’s all you are.” Jared could hear the anger and the alcohol on the man’s voice._

 _“You need to watch out for Megan, Jared,” he could hear his brother’s voice but he couldn’t find him in the darkness._

 _“But who will watch out for me?” Jared asked and he was back in the room with the man._

 _“I’ll watch out for you, little one. But first you’ve got to do your daddy a favor,” the man waved his hard cock in Jared face._

 _“You’re not my dad,” Jared spit out and got slapped for his troubles. He could taste the blood in his mouth._

 _“Foster daddy, daddy, same thing to you little one. You’re going to suck my cock and if you do a really good job and swallow all of my come then I won’t stick it in your ass later. You know how much that hurts.”_

 _Jared nodded and tried his best, he was only eleven but he tried his mouth was just too small, the man’s cock was just too big. The man came with a groan and Jared tried to swallow it all, tried to make the man happy but he couldn’t._

 _The man smiled at Jared, he seemed so happy that for a moment Jared thought it didn’t matter that he hadn’t followed the directions. But then the man motioned him up. He grabbed some Vaseline and slicked up his cock. He pushed at Jared’s hole and Jared cried, silently but he cried. It hurt. Later he would stuff toilet paper into his underwear and act like everything was fine because the man threatened to do the same thing to Megan if he talked. Jared was never sure if Jeff was messed with too but he always suspected he was._

 _They were placed in another home not too long after that and Jared promptly set about forgetting it had ever happened._

 _Suddenly he was back in the darkness again with all of his fear. “Useless, piece of garbage. Who would ever love you? You suck, yeah suck it boy.”_

Jared woke up his heart beating rapidly, he couldn’t catch his breath. He sat up and put his head between his knees and slowly everything calmed down. He hated that dream. He hated more that it was real, that it had happened. Maybe not in that order, his memories of the time were as fuzzy as he could make them, but he knew what had happened to him. What had probably happened to Jeff and what, he prayed, never happened to Megan.

Asshole, that fucking asshole. What gave him the right to use them like that? To use him? Jared turned and punched his pillow. Someone sucked and it wasn’t him. Deciding that maybe a drink of water would help to steady his hands and possibly get back to sleep. Although, to be honest, he didn’t think there was much chance of that.

Jared got up and padded to the kitchen for some ice water. It must have been near three in the morning and the rest of the house was asleep, at least that’s what Jared thought. Jared poured his glass and stood at the kitchen sink staring out the window. He could see the front yard and the driveway curving around a layer of silver in the moonlight. Then something stepped out of the shadows of one of the trees.

 _Jensen_ thought Jared, never wondering how he could identify the man just by the way he moved. Watching as Jensen made his way to the kitchen door, Jared considered just going back to bed but remembering that he really didn’t want to sleep right now he stood where he was.

The screen door opened and shut quietly and Jensen was brought up short by him, standing in the middle of the kitchen.

“Everything okay?” Jared asked.

“Just thought I heard that mare, so I came out to see if I could spot her,” Jensen said quietly.

“She have a name?” Jared finally asked.

“Yeah, Rose’s Dream.” Jensen snorted, “should be more like Rose’s Nightmare. Shame really, she’s such a pretty horse.”

“Shame, because you are. . .”

“Going to have to shoot her, yeah. She almost killed a man, just went crazy. We can’t leave her out there, she’ll breed and who knows what will get passed on to her offspring. No, better that we cull her now than have to take out more of the herd because her madness spreads.”

Jared understood but he still felt sorry for the mare, hell she was kind of like him, just reacting to everything.

“Why are you awake? I hope what Mackenzie said earlier didn’t upset you.”

“What? No.” Jared shook his head. “Bad dreams.”

“Ah, I get those,” Jensen said.

 _Not like mine_ , Jared thought but didn’t say. “Well, um good night then,” Jared told Jensen and he put his glass in the sink.

“Jared,” Jensen called quietly after him. “You ever want to talk. . .” Jensen left the sentence hanging and Jared looked over at him and nodded.

“Thank you, for helping me in the morning,” Jared said.

“Hey, it’s all good.”

Jared left it at that and went back to bed. To stare at his ceiling, apparently. He rolled out of bed, hours later without having gone back to sleep. Afraid of what was waiting for him, in the darkness. He showered, straightened his room and packed his clothes, just in case.

Picking at his food and kind of spacing out, he jumped when Alan put his hand on Jared’s shoulder. He had been here for a month and he still wasn’t used to how much the Ackles touched each other. Touching to Jared had mostly meant punishment, so he flinched every time someone touched him, still.

“Let’s go to the living room, son.”

There was that word again, son. Jared tried hard not to jump in reaction to Alan saying it. Pushing back from the table, Jared realized everyone else was already waiting. He blushed and took his dishes to the sink. Following Mr. Ackles into the living room, Jared sat next to Jensen on the couch and Mackenzie moved to sit next to him. It was weird that he felt protected.

Alan and Donna sat across from the three of them. Jared could feel his pulse start to race and his hands started to fidget. Jensen knocked his knee with Jared’s and Jared looked at him. He gave Jared a small smile and Jared tried to smile back.

“Start with punishments, Dad.”

“Good idea, Jenny. Okay, Jared. What do you think your punishment should be?” Alan looked at him and Jared tried to come up with something the Ackles would consider reasonable. They didn’t hit so a beating was out. Jared’s eyes flicked to Donna to see if he could understand what she wanted better. Oh shit, he realized he needed to answer, to say something. After his dream from last night the only thing he could think of was a blow job but the Ackles were good people and didn’t do that sort of thing, they wouldn’t. Would they?

His breathing started to speed up, he couldn’t think. Why couldn’t he think?

“Jared,” Jensen said his name sharply and Jared got the feeling that he had been trying to get Jared’s attention for a while. “Horses, Jared.”

“Horses?” confusion plain in his voice. Jensen’s suggestion was so far out from what he was thinking.

“You know, mucking out the stalls, exercising them. That could be your punishment.” Alan and Donna made some kind of noise and Jared looked at them. Was this considered punishment? They both gave him a small nod.

“Sure,” he said hesitantly.

“Good then. Mac, Jenny you can go. We need to talk to Jared for a moment.”

Mackenzie must have glared or something because Donna told her to not look at them like that and to get going before she was in trouble. She squeezed Jared’s knee and got up, giving him a conspiratorial wink she left.

“Jensen?”

“I’m staying. Jared asked me to.”

Both of them looked at Jared and he nodded, afraid to say anything. “Okay, then,” Donna said. “I know we said you didn’t need to talk to us, to explain anything to us,” Jared’s shoulders hunched, this was what he had been waiting for, “but you need to talk to someone. There’s a therapist in town, she’s really good.”

“Jared’s not crazy, Mom,” Jensen said.

“It’s not crazy to admit you need help, Jenny. It’s crazy not to. I’m not saying we need to fix Jared, he’s wonderful the way he is. But he might like to figure out at least how to control that temper. Maybe the triggers that set him off. Lots and lots of things, but he’s only got a week until school starts and you remember how much they test the new kids.” She sounded sad.

“Yeah,” Jensen nodded.

“Test?” Jared asked.

“Mostly it’s teasing, trying to find a weakness,” Jensen said looking embarrassed. “Mom’s idea might be a good one.”

Jared thought about it. They hadn’t said shrink, just a therapist. Maybe he could learn some new ways to forget better. He nodded slowly.

Donna smiled. “I’ll call today.”

“You’ve got chores, young man,” Alan spoke up and Jared jumped. He had nearly forgotten that Alan was there. “Jenny, since it was your idea, you get to show him how.”

Jensen groaned good naturedly and stood up reaching a hand down to Jared. Jared took it and Jensen pulled him up.

He loved working with the horses, for the most part they were quiet and they seemed to like him. Mucking out stables, grooming the horses was a pleasure and hardly felt like punishment. But Mackenzie thanked him and told him she was glad he was there to help.  
___

Jared’s first appointment with the therapist was three days before he was to start school. The first thing the therapist Cindy did was to explain to Jared about confidentiality and mandatory reporting. She was required by law to not talk about anything he told her unless he was being abused then she had to say something or she could have her license taken away.

He nodded and asked Cindy about past abuse. “What if I was to talk about my last home or the one before and they did stuff to me. . .would you have to report that?”

Cindy shook her head. “Not unless you agreed. The only times I could say something was either when you said I could or if I felt you were in immediate threat of harm.”

He felt like he was ten again when he looked at her and said, “Promise?”

“Promise.” She held her hand out to him and he shook it.

So he talked to her a little, testing. Telling about the broken wrist and how his foster mom had done it to take his medication. Cindy nodded and took notes and then offered to let Jared see them. He had to admit he was curious about what she had written.

Nothing much it seemed and he was a bit relieved that she hadn’t written that he was crazy. So then she said something about anger and Jared looked at her through his bangs. She gave him things to do when he got angry instead of yelling, like removing himself from the situation and lots of other little things. She mentioned school and coping and gave him a smile. “You are a very strong person Jared. Don’t think you can’t ask for help though, okay?”

“’kay,” Jared muttered.

“I think we should see each other in a week, after school starts. Then you can tell me what you think about it and how it’s going.”

Jared nodded and stood up as Cindy picked up her phone and called her receptionist. “Marcie, appointment for Jared one week. Same time?” She looked at Jared and he shrugged. “Ask Mrs. Ackles.” She hung up her phone. “See you in a week Jared. Try some of those exercises and tell me if they help.”

He nodded again and headed out of the room, stopping as Marcie and Donna set an appointment time. Donna turned to him with a smile and he gave her a small smile back.

One week later he was back, quieter and more confused than ever. He told Cindy about how a girl at school had decided that he needed a friend and wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Does it bother you?”

“A little, I haven’t had many friends,” Jared said, not telling her that he was never allowed to have friends.

“How about everyone else?” Cindy asked.

Jared shrugged. They left him alone for the most part. She let him get by with his lack of verbal answer but she asked him a hard question next.

“Tell me about your family.”

“Don’t have one, not anymore,” he said quietly.

“How about when you did have one?”

Jared told her the little that he could remember of his mom and dad, about how he missed Jeff and Megan, about how much he worried about them.

“Are you in contact with them?”

Jared shook his head. He didn’t know the name of the jail where Jeff was at and he was pretty sure that Megan’s new parents didn’t want him writing and reminding her of the life she had before them. Cindy disagreed.

“I’ll see if I can’t at least get you some addresses.”

He nodded not very hopeful that she’d be able to follow through, or why she would bother.

The next week she handed him a piece of paper. He looked at her and then at the paper in his hand; Jeff and Megan’s addresses. He had given up hope of getting in touch with them again and. . . his hand shook. “Thank you,” he told Cindy.

“I spoke with your worker and she agreed you should be able to keep in touch with your family.”

“Did she. . .talk to Megan, does she want me to write?” Jared asked looking at the paper in his hand and not at Cindy.

“Yes, and yes she remembers you,” She answered Jared’s next question before he asked it.

For a moment Jared was in the past getting a hug from Megan and she smelled of leaves and sunshine. He blinked back his tears.

“Jeff?”

“Jeff is out on parole, so he needs to stay where he is so he doesn’t violate the terms of it. I spoke with him and he would like it if you called.” She pointed to a number on the paper.

Jeff was out? Nobody bothered to tell him that. How long? He wondered. “Okay,” Jared said. “Thank you.”

Cindy sat back in her seat and smiled at him. They talked about school and making friends. Then she asked him if there was anything else that he wanted to talk about.

“How do you know if you’re gay?” He blurted out.

Cindy sat back as if she was surprised at his question. “Why do you ask?”

He blushed and looked down.

“Oh,” Cindy said and there was a pause before she continued. “Well the same way you’d know if you were not gay I’d imagine. It depends on the sex of the people that you are sexually attracted to.”

“Oh,” Jared said. “Okay.”

Jared went with Donna back home.

“You’re quiet tonight,” she said.

“Sorry, just thinking.”

“That’s okay,” she reassured him. “I just wanted to tell you again if you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

Jared gave her one of his real smiles. “I know, thanks.”

“Cindy mentioned that she had contact information about your family. Did you want to call?”

Jared stomach started churning at the thought of talking with Jeff or Megan. “Umm…” he said.

“Or you can just write them first. Make sure you give them our phone number, okay?”

“’kay,” Jared said leaning back in the seat for the drive back to the ranch.

Sitting down to the desk in his room, Jared got out a piece of paper. It had been years, and he felt like he had failed both of them. Jeff because he didn’t even know his brother was out of jail and Megan for a ton of reasons starting with he felt like he abandoned her even if he hadn’t really.

“Hey,” Jensen said from the doorway, startling him out of his reverie.

Jared looked up at Jensen and for a moment he felt that every uncertainty, every self doubt shone in his eyes. Then he looked down, Jared wasn’t worth Jensen’s time.

“Can I come in?”

Even after being here for a couple of months he still wasn’t used to the privacy and respect that this family offered him. “Sure,” Jared said.

“Mom said you were writing to your family. I thought you might want some company,” Jensen said.

“I don’t know what to say,” Jared admitted as Jensen sat on the bed.

“I’d make it simple, maybe ask one or two questions and tell them how you are. I know that in their place I would just be happy to hear from you.”

“Okay,” Jared sighed and tried again. Penning off a short note to both of them he put them in the envelopes that Donna had given him.

“Let’s go get these in the mail,” Jensen said and encouraged Jared to get up and moving, handing him a couple of stamps. Jared followed and soon they were in the truck heading towards the end of the drive. Hopping out, Jensen stuck the letters in the mailbox and raised the flag and Jared felt happy. Now that it was done.

Checking the mail every day, it was two weeks before he heard anything. Jeff wrote him a long letter, talking about his job and his place. He asked if Jared could come and visit but he didn’t say anything about Megan. Jared smiled and showed the letter to Donna, Alan, Jensen and Mackenzie. They were all happy for him and talked about maybe Jared visiting around Thanksgiving.

Jared got so excited that he forgot one of his major rules, not to talk about his family at school. He told his friend at school, Sara about Jeff. Bad move. Next she was asking questions and Jared admitted to her that he had been abused. He didn’t tell her how, because he still didn’t want to think about that. Sara took it wrong, apparently, Jared found out a week later.

Coming home from school, Jared was walking down the long drive, when he saw police cars. He moved off into the trees that edged the drive in places, making it to the barn and then the back of the house where Jared could hear them talking.

“. . .he said something to a classmate, we need to talk to him,” a man’s voice said.

“But this is wrong,” Donna Ackles spoke up.

“Ma’am, did you read his case file? It’s in there.”

Oh shit, they thought he was lying again, he never should have said anything to Sara. He moved from underneath the window and made it back to the barn without being seen. He grabbed a ratty blanket that they used to wipe down the horses with and, dropping his schoolwork in a dark corner of the barn, he headed out. He didn’t know where he was going but he knew he had to get away. Before he saw the same look of disappointment in the Ackles’ eyes as he had seen in everyone else’s.

Jared snuck into the pasture and as soon as he was out of view of the house he ran., feet pounding the dust up in little dry puffs. It hadn’t rained in months; according to Jensen, if it didn’t rain soon they would have a full fledged drought on their hands. Jared angled so that he was headed in the general direction of the trees he could see in the distance and then he gave up thinking and just ran.

The sound of his feet hitting the ground was the only noise, except for the occasional kree of a hawk that was circling on the thermals nearby. Jared ran until he was out of breath, his leg muscles were burning, and sweat was dripping into his eyes. Stopping, he rested while he caught his breath, looking around.

He was near the trees yet he had run far enough that he couldn’t see the house or the barn from where he stood. Good, he thought and turned to follow the trees. He walked and walked ducking into the brush when he heard hoof beats; he lay in the grass and the dust tickled his throat. Swallowing rapidly he managed to hold his breath as the sound of hoofs drew nearer still. Then his hair was huffed on and nibbled at. Jared rolled over, prepared to give up, when he saw it was the mare.

The red one, the one Jensen had told him he would have to shoot. Jared stood slowly and held his hand out. The mare, Rose’s Dream if Jared remembered correctly, gently nibbled on Jared’s outreached fingers.

“That’s a good girl,” Jared murmured and reached up to scratch her between her eyes. “Did you find me or did I just get lucky enough to run into you?” He let his arm drop to his side and took a few steps forward, stopping and looking back at her. “You coming or what?” The horse nickered like it understood him and slowly followed him.

Early in the morning, Jared was still walking though he was stumbling and was having trouble seeing the ground. The horse stopped in front of him, he shoved at her. He had to keep moving or they would send him away, he couldn’t handle it if one more person decided that he wasn’t worth it. Rose snorted and moved a little, huffing his hair. Wrapped in the blanket he had nicked from the barn he was shivering and Rose was warm. She lay down and Jared curled up next to her. It never occurred to him that she could kill him with a kick.

The sun was high and he was sweating when he woke up his mouth felt like it was full of cotton. He needed water. Looking around he spotted Rose grazing on some weeds nearby, they appeared to be as dry as his mouth felt. The trees weren’t that far off. Remembering what Jensen had said about water, he got up and, clucking at little at the horse, he headed for the trees.

He literally stumbled across the small creek that wound its way through the trees. Falling on his hands and knees it took him a moment to get over the shock to realize that he had found water. Jared scrambled out and waited a few moments for the water to clear before he bent down and cupped his hand in the water to take a long drink. The water was cool but not cold, he knew he had the trees to thank that there was any water at all.

Glancing up at a sound he saw Rose drinking downstream from him. She drank and drank long after he was so full of water he felt like throwing up. He lay in the weeds alongside the stream and listened to the horse drink. He could feel his eyelids getting heavy and while he knew he should find something to eat, he just couldn’t muster up the ability to care at the moment. Jared slept.

He woke up to his stomach growling but he had gone longer without food so he just told it to be quiet. It was morning and realizing he couldn’t hear the horse, he got up. Looking around, he didn’t see her. A twig snapped behind him and he whirled. There was the last person in the world he wanted to see at the moment.

Jensen started talking to him, low and quiet so that Jared had to listen closely. He was soothing him, like he was a wild horse, thinking about horses made Jared remember Rose and what Jensen was going to do to her. He spun and did a quick scan of the area, making sure the horse was nowhere to be seen. With a relieved sigh he turned back and found Jensen a whole lot closer.

Taking a step back he stumbled and then Jensen was there, holding him. Oh fuck.

“They were there to ask questions, not to take you away. No one is going to take you away unless you want to go. It’s okay,” Jensen’s voice finally penetrated the fog around him.

“I heard them,” Jared said, not looking at Jensen. “Told Donna I’m a liar, look in my file it says it right there.”

“I wasn’t there but Mom said that they were idiots and told them to contact your councilor. They did and they left with their tails between their legs, you should have seen it. I haven’t seen Mom that mad, ever. You are lucky she likes you so much,” Jensen said.

“She shouldn’t, none of you should,” Jared said quietly.

“Shhh. . .” Jensen hushed him and Jared went silent thinking they were listening for the horse. All he could hear was a low rumble in the distance. Jensen looked at Jared his eyes widened with fear.

“What?” Jared asked.

“Flash flood, rain upstream. Didn’t think to check, higher ground. Now Jared!” Jensen babbled at him.

Jared stood there with his saddle blanket and stared at Jensen. “Come on,” Jensen pulled at him.

“Where?” Jared asked looking around. Jensen pointed at an outcropping of rock and Jared looked at him like he’d lost his mind.

“You don’t know, you haven’t seen. . .” Jensen said and pulled at Jared again getting him moving in the right direction. “Up, we need to get up.”

Jensen got Jared started climbing and urged him to go faster. Now that Jared knew what he was listening to he could hear the water drawing closer. But water was a good thing right? Especially with the drought. They needed water. Jared asked Jensen this as they climbed.

Getting to a ledge where they could both fit, Jensen looked it over and then sat next to Jared. He explained and pointed to where the water was digging into the dirt and pushing rocks and debris in front of it. Telling Jared that there must have been heavy rains north of them and that this was the result and then Jared pointed to some dark clouds that seemed to be heading their way. Jensen groaned.

“Wait, what about the horses?”

“They’ll head for high ground, don’t worry,” Jensen reassured him and oddly enough, Jensen telling him not to worry while they were perched on a rock outcropping waiting for flood waters to roll around them, actually worked.

Looking into the sky, Jared wondered if the rain would reach them before the flood waters. The water was swirling around the base of the rocks as it began to rain, one drop then another and then the sky opened up and dumped what was left in it on them. Jared couldn’t see Jensen where he sat right next to him. Reaching out his hand, he found Jensen’s and gripped it tight as the roar of the flood grew louder.

Lighting split the sky and Jared jumped as it struck near enough that he could smell the ozone. Jensen was pulling on his hand, urging him to get down and Jared moved. The rock began to crumble under his feet and he started to slide off. Panicked, he grabbed at Jensen hands and Jensen was fumbling for him. Jared could feel the both of them slipping off of the rock. Realizing that if he held on he would pull Jensen in with him, he let go. He could feel Jensen telling him no, more than he could hear him.

Hitting the water, Jared felt his breath leave his body and he struggled to the top for air. His head cleared the water and he took a breath. Then he hit a rock or a rock hit him and his last thought was that he would never get to figure out how he felt about Jensen.

Jared woke up and he was surprised to find himself alive. He could feel his stomach heaving and rolled to his side to vomit up dirty water. Every muscle in his body ached, muscles he didn’t even know he had. It took him three tries to push up and look around to try to figure out where he was. He didn’t recognize anything but he saw the horse standing on three feet, not far from him. Holding out his hand to her, Jared slowly got to his feet.

“You’re hurt,” he murmured and held still as he felt the world spin around him. He had taken blows to the head before and knew that he had to wait out the dizziness. Breathing threw his nose so he didn’t throw up again, Jared slowly got his equilibrium back. Taking the few steps to Rose, he leaned slightly against her. She shifted and tried to put her weight on her foreleg but she couldn’t.

Jared felt tears begin to well up in his eyes. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know where he was.

“Jared.”

Looking around, Jared tried to figure out who was calling his name. _Jensen_ , he mentally sighed in relief. Now that Jensen was here, everything would be alright. He finally figured out that a lump of mud was Jensen. “Jen,” he said as he helped the man sit up.

Jared was startled as Jensen threw his arms around Jared and pulled him close. Jared’s nose got full of river mud and Jensen let him go as he sneezed. “I thought you were. . .” Jensen let the rest of the sentence trail off.

“So did I, what happened?” Jared asked.

“What do you remember?”

“Falling, water, and then nothing,” Jared told him.

Jensen nodded and tried to stand up, Jared helped him to his feet. They stood leaning against each other as Jensen looked around. Jared knew the moment that Jensen saw Rose’s Dream, he tensed under Jared’s arm. Watching as Jensen looked her over, he felt more than heard Jensen give a soft moan at the state of the mare’s leg. “Oh, girl,” his voice was full of sadness.

“She saved you,” Jensen told him. “I watched you fall and then she came out of nowhere and grabbed you by your shirt and drug you to higher ground. I was worried that she might attack you so I jumped in too, trying to get to you.”

Jared nodded slowly and looked over at the mare; she was lying down. Looking at Jensen in alarm, Jared took a step towards her. “We need to get back, they can help her. Right?”

The sadness in Jensen’s eyes was answer enough. “I’m not even sure where we are. We need to follow the river back to the house, she can’t walk Jared.”

Jared stumbled over to where the mare was. “No.” Kneeling by her head he ran his fingers across her forehead. She sighed and there was a quiet moan under it all. Looking up at Jensen, he had tracks of tears streaming down his face. “What?” he asked half of his question.

“I’ll do it.”

Grasping what Jensen was saying Jared looked down at the horse again.

“How?”

Jensen slipped his knife out of his boot that he had somehow managed to keep in the water. Jared looked at it and back down at the mare. “Do it,” his voice broke.

“It might get messy,” Jensen was trying to warn him. “You might want to move.”

“Are you going to hurt her?”

“No,” Jensen said.

“Then do it,” Jared said.

“Jared,” Jensen tried again.

“She saved me, I will stay.” Jared voice held quiet conviction.

“Okay,” Jensen stood. “Cover her eye so she doesn’t panic,” he said and Jared did as he asked. Jared slipped his hand over her eye with a sob and Jensen quickly placed his fingers on the horse’s neck and with what Jared would have swore was a plea he stabbed quickly into her neck. Rose made a small sound as Jensen withdrew the knife and Jared watched as her blood pumped out of her neck. It spurted and hit Jensen and he fell backwards with a quiet noise.

“What now?” Jared asked as he watched her blood begin to pool and run down the small hillock they were on. He moved his hand from her eye and began to stroke her face again.

“We wait,” Jensen’s voice was small and quiet.

It might have been moments or hours, most likely somewhere in between, before Jensen laid his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “She’s gone.” His voice was harsh like he’d been crying. Jared noticed that he had cleaned the blood off of his face but he couldn’t get it out of his clothes.

Jared nodded, numb. He slid his hand over the horse’s eye and closed it. Standing he had to wait for the pins and needles to go away because he’d been sitting so long. He had remarkably little blood on himself, but he wiped at a spot on his shirt before giving up.

He wanted to bury her but he knew that neither of them had the energy. Closing his eyes after he saw a fly land on the horse’s face, he wished he could plug his ears to the low level buzz that was the flies that had found her blood. Jared turned away and felt the world spin. Jensen was there, helping to steady him.

“You hit your head pretty hard, take it easy,” Jensen spoke soothingly into his ear.

Jared nodded and then regretted it. Between the sound of the flies, the smell of the blood and his head he leaned over and threw up again, retching until there was nothing left in him and then trying to bring up more. Jensen was rubbing his back and offering his handkerchief, which was wet but clean. “It was in my pocket,” Jensen said as Jared looked at it. Jared nodded and wiped his mouth and face off, grimacing as he saw the dirt and blood that came off.

Standing up, Jared looked around for water, he saw a trickle off to his left so he headed for it. Asking Jensen where the water had gone, he dipped the handkerchief in the water until it ran clean.

“Most of the water went down stream. When the land’s so dry, it can’t absorb it quick enough and most of it just rolls off.” It didn’t stop it from being muggy where they were. Wherever that was.

“Where are we?”

“On the ranch still, I think.” Jensen looked upstream and downstream and seemed to Jared to randomly pick a direction. “Let’s go this way.”

Jared was too numb to care so he just followed Jensen. They stopped about an hour later and knelt by the quickly evaporating stream to get a drink. “Had a canteen,” Jensen muttered.

“Sorry,” Jared said and Jensen patted him on the shoulder.

“We should find a place to rest and get out of the sun,” Jensen said and pointed to some trees off to his left. “There should be good.”

“Okay,” Jared said and followed Jensen. When they got to the trees they found no running water but there was shade so they lay down and tried to rest.

Jared fell directly into a nightmare.

 _Large hands were holding him down, someone was telling him he deserved this and then Jared knew what they were going to do._

 _“No,” he said and tried to get away but the voice just laughed and held him down._

 _“I like it when they fight,” the voice said and Jared heard the sound of a buckle being undone._

 _“No, no no no nonononono,” Jared pleaded._

 _“Come on you little slut, I was told you would give me what I wanted. Or maybe I should just take it from that little sister of yours. She’s got such a sweet mouth.”_

 _Jared threw his head back and began fighting more, “Leave Megan alone!”_

 _“I will. If you cooperate. You know you like it, I don’t know why you fight me.”_

 _Jared collapsed and stopped fighting. The man fucked his mouth and his ass and told Jared that he was a good slut, with a perfect mouth. That was all he was ever going to be._

 _Jared shook his head in denial. “Oh yes, my boy. My pretty pretty boy.” Then there was blood, lots of it. Rivers of it flowing around Jared and he could have sworn he heard a whinny off to the right. Looking right, hesitantly, afraid of what he was going to see. Jared saw the mare, Rose’s Dream but she was missing her skin and blood poured off of her and pooled at her feet._

 _“You can’t do anything right,” Jared heard another voice say. “This is all your fault. She’s dead because of you, Jensen is going to die because of you.”_

Jared jerked awake and Jensen was leaning over him. Jensen noticed he was awake and backed off.

“You were having a bad dream,” he said.

Jared sat up nodding and thinking that Jensen was lucky he hadn’t woken up and taken a swing at him. Then he remembered his dream and he folded in on himself. It was all his fault. Jensen had said that Donna had thrown those cops out, that she believed him. Jared choked up. Rose was dead and it was his fault. If only. . . if only he hadn’t run or fell. A tear slipped out from under his eyelid.

Jensen was there but it only made it worse as he slid his arm around Jared’s shoulder, offering him comfort. Jared felt weak as he turned into the other man and cried on his shoulder. Jensen was rubbing his back and murmuring things into his hair that Jared couldn’t make out. Slowly Jared quieted until he was just being held by Jensen and he realized how much he liked it.

Pulling back, Jared wiped at his nose with the handkerchief he still had in his pocket. “Sorry,” Jared murmured looking down.

“It’s okay, I wash,” Jensen said and Jared gave him a half smile. Jensen helped Jared up and Jared swayed for a moment. “When was the last time you ate?” Jensen asked.

“School,” Jared replied quietly.

“That was two days ago,” Jensen said and Jared just snorted, like he didn’t know how long it had been.

“Was longer on the bus here,” Jared told him, trying to prove that he could handle himself.

“You didn’t eat on the trip here? That was what? Three days? You’re just a kid, you need to eat,” Jensen said and missed the flash of pain in Jared’s eyes.

“I’m not a kid. I couldn’t eat, I didn’t have any money and I don’t steal. No matter what my records say.”

“Okay, okay.” Jensen held his hands up trying to placate Jared. “You’re not a kid but you are still growing, hell I’m still growing and to do that right you need food.”

“Wasn’t the first time,” Jared murmured as he turned to look out on the landscape that was lit by the setting sun.

Jared listened to Jensen take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It shouldn’t. . .” he started and then changed his mind about what he wanted to say. “Do you want to talk about it?” Jensen asked him.

Sure Jared wants to air all his dirty laundry so the guy he likes can see it. He opened his mouth to say no but instead he started talking.

“Three no four homes ago, I was fifteen. My foster father, Mr. Smith decided he liked me a little too much,” Jared looked at Jensen to see if he understood. Jensen was frowning. Jared sighed and looked away again. “He liked to touch me, and he wanted me to touch him.”

Jensen gasped as he got it and Jared’s mouth twisted. “I didn’t want to so I ran away. For a week I didn’t eat.”

“What. . .how?” Jensen apparently couldn’t form a complete sentence.

“I ended up giving guys blow jobs for money.” At Jensen’s sounds of dismay Jared explained more. “No one forced me into doing it, unlike before. I got money, I survived. I’m sorry if I’m not good enough.” Jared started walking, heading north with the sunset to his left. Why had he thought that Jensen might understand?

“Hey,” Jensen said as he caught up with Jared. “I’m not judging you.”

Jared turned on Jensen so sharply that Jensen ran into him. He poked his finger into Jensen’s chest. “You were too. I don’t need your pity. I’ve survived.”

“What about living?” Jensen asked him and Jared stood looking at him openmouthed.

Realizing he was standing around catching flies, Jared snapped his mouth shut and turned to walk away. Maybe it would be best if he ended up in juvie. He didn’t want Jensen’s pity or sympathy, he wasn’t sure why he told him. Maybe he was hoping for a reason to push Jensen away. They walked in silence for a while the sound of their boots on the ground the only sound then Jared heard some coyotes and he looked and saw the moon was rising.

“There should be a creek under those trees,” Jensen said quietly. Jared nodded. He wasn’t ready for this shit. He hadn’t wanted to have to kill a horse or tell Jensen about the stuff that happened to him.

“Rose was a good horse,” Jared said. He could feel Jensen staring at him as if he was trying to read his mind.

“She saved you. For that alone I would agree with you,” Jensen agreed after a long pause.

“But, you would have killed her.”

Jensen sighed. “Jared this is a working ranch, do you understand that? We need everything that is on it to work toward making it pay.”

“Comes back to money, always,” Jared said coldly.

“Pretty much everything does,” Jensen said.

Jared’s back stiffened as he got that Jensen was talking about him. He shut his mouth and headed for the trees in the distance silvery in the moonlight. It still felt like he was breathing through a wet cloth, there was so much moisture in the air. Feeling the sweat come to his brow and then not leave was disconcerting especially after how dry it had been. Before he could have ran for a mile and felt dry at the end. Humidity sucked, he decided as he stopped about half way to the trees.

Jensen caught up with him. “I didn’t mean you,” Jensen said as he caught Jared’s eye. Jared shrugged and turned to walk away but Jensen stopped him.

Turning back Jared glared at Jensen. “I don’t need your pity,” Jared’s voice was cold and Jensen dropped his hand from Jared’s arm. Stalking off, Jared was muttering under his breath. “Didn’t ask for anything. Not like I wanted it. I survived. Nothing wrong with me. It’s not like it touched me. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing touches me. I’m still here. Supposed to protect Megan. If they do it to me they won’t touch Megan.” Jared didn’t notice when the tears blurred his sight. He stumbled and Jensen was close enough to catch him.

“Jared,” Jensen said.

“I’m fine,” Jared choked out. Jensen didn’t let him go and just looked at him. “I’m fine,” he tried again. Jensen was going to get sick of him if he couldn’t pull himself together. He sucked air in with a gasping tremble and he slowly let it out. He had had to do this enough times with his foster parents.

 _“Pull yourself together. Nobody likes a sniveler. I haven’t got started yet, boy.” *crack* The sound is louder in his ears than the actual hit feels. He jerks back. . ._ and Jared fell on his ass in front of Jensen, his arms raised to ward off more blows. He hated getting lost in a memory like that.

Getting down beside him, Jensen carefully reached out. Jared whimpered as Jensen touched his shoulder. Slowly he pulled Jared to him until Jensen’s hugging him. A cool breeze flowed over them and they both sighed with relief. “It’s okay,” Jensen murmured into Jared’s hair. Jared shook his head slightly, it wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay.

Jensen let Jared sit there, holding on to him the whole time. Finally Jared drew back and Jensen let him go. Jared almost whimpered at the loss, but he managed to keep it behind his teeth. Jensen leaned in so their foreheads were touching. “Let’s make it to the trees and the water. It’s not hot now but it will be once the sun comes up and we need shade.”

Nodding, Jared let Jensen help him up. They headed for the trees once more. Jared’s breakdown must have been longer than he thought because he could see the sky lightening in the east. His stomach rumbled and it was echoed by Jensen’s, they shared a smile and kept walking. They got to the trees just as the sun rose over the horizon. Jensen leading them deeper in and they stopped to listen.

There was no sound of running water, but Jensen stayed calm, so Jared did too. Heading for where the vegetation was the thickest, Jensen was watching the ground for something. He stopped and started digging. Not too far down water started to fill the hole, Jared got on his hands and knees and helped to dig. They let the hole fill and waited for the dirt to settle.

“Once, when I was visiting my Aunt in California,” Jensen began to talk while they waited. “I was pulled behind our car in the driveway by a boy. He was older than me. I was six. He could have been anywhere between twelve and sixteen.” Jensen shrugged. “Anyway, he touched me. Put my penis in his mouth,” Jensen’s looked at the ground. “He asked me if it felt good. It did. It did.” Jensen repeated quietly. “Then he wanted me to do that to him. I remember the feeling of the rocks on the driveway under my knees. I remember the heat that rose up. But what I don’t remember is sucking him. He had orange shorts and black tennis shoes, but I can’t remember what color his hair was.” Jensen glanced up looking at Jared briefly.

“He told me it was a secret. Asked me if I could keep a secret. I remember feeling proud that he trusted me.” Jensen smiled a self mocking half smile. “Years later, I asked Mom, who was there when we were and she said no one was. So half the time I’m wondering if I imagined the whole thing and then something will happen, I’ll catch a flash of orange out of the corner of my eye and I’ll be back there in the heat with the gravel digging holes in my knees and I’ll know I didn’t imagine it. I never told anyone because I was never sure it happened or who it happened with.” Jensen rocked back on his heels and he didn’t look at Jared.

“I was eleven,” Jared spoke softly looking off in the distance, like he could see though time to his younger self. “My foster dad started giving me attention, affection I guess you’d say. I liked it. Most of my other foster parents had been too busy or just didn’t care. I guess I should have known better, no one ever likes me. Anyway, as you can guess, it went from attention to touching. I was twelve the first time he fucked me.”

Jensen made a noise and Jared looked up at him, thinking Jensen was judging him. His face was devoid of any expression, so Jared gave a small cough and continued.

“He threatened to hurt Megan, to do those things to her. So I let him, I didn’t fight back. I tried to please him. I. . .I never told Jeff. I never told anyone. I’m such a slut, I must have wanted it. He. . .he made me beg him sometimes to do it to me.” He looked up at Jensen. “I’m bad, you shouldn’t. . .” he motioned between them.

Moving slightly closer to Jared, Jensen started talking. “You’re not bad. You are not polluted or whatever other thought that got put into your head. You are beautiful and strong, and if I wasn’t so attracted to you I would be proud to call you brother.”

Jared’s eyes widened. “I. . .I. . .” He didn’t know what to say but Jensen didn’t scare him. He felt a tiny flicker of hope spring to life inside him. Before he could stop and think about it he closed the distance between them and kissed Jensen.

At first, Jensen didn’t do anything but then he slowly moved his lips over Jared’s and Jared parted his mouth and Jensen’s tongue hesitantly dipped in. Jared touched Jensen’s tongue with his own. He had never done this. No one had ever wanted to kiss him before. He followed what Jensen did, letting his tongue slide into Jensen’s mouth, tasting dust and something that was purely Jensen. Jared was almost ready to panic but Jensen seemed to understand that he had given about all he could.

Jensen pulled back and they both smiled. Jensen let Jared go and knelt down to check on the water. There was enough for them both to have a drink. Jensen took the first sip and then stepped back and let Jared get a drink. Jared drank deep but he made sure he left some for Jensen. Kneeling, Jensen took another drink and then he wet his handkerchief and wrung it out. Jared tried not to see that the water that came off of it was red. Jensen wet it again and then he settled in the shade up against a rock and Jared just looked at him.

“We need to rest, we can’t travel in the heat.”

That made sense to Jared he slid down the rock to sit beside Jensen. Jensen pulled him against his shoulder and rested his cheek on top of Jared’s head. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

Jared wasn’t sure but he knew he wanted more than anything to believe him. So he just nodded and closed his eyes, ignoring his growling stomach. He woke up some time later with horrible stomach cramps, feeling a gurgle in his bowels that told him he had to move and now. Stumbling to his feet he managed to make it to the bushes and get his pants off before he emptied his bowels in a liquid rush.

He would have been embarrassed except he heard Jensen somewhere off to his left doing the same thing.

“Something in the water?” Jared asked as everything seemed to settle down. He was panicked until he saw a maple tree nearby with nice broad leaves. Pulling off a few handfuls he cleaned up as best he could and put his pants back on. “Want some leaves?”

“Please,” Jensen asked and Jared pulled off some more leaves and headed for Jensen’s voice. Jared thrust the leaves at Jensen and walked away to give him some privacy. If they were lucky it was over.

Four hours later Jared was sure that whatever gods there were hated him. The last time he had wiped there had been blood, but that had be a while ago and now he was hopeful that it was really over.

Jensen seemed to be worse off than him. Jared was worried, Jensen was dizzy and disoriented. Knowing that Jensen was dehydrated, Jared didn’t trust the water so as soon as the sun was low in the sky, he started them moving again.

He heard a helicopter to the north but he never saw it. Suspecting that the Ackles were out looking for both him and Jensen made him feel better. He headed to the next clump of trees that he could see in the distance. Supporting and at times half carrying Jensen, Jared trudged on. He had moved beyond hunger and thirst, that wasn’t good. He picked up a small rock from the ground and stuck it into his mouth, trying to get some moisture.

Jensen kept talking about sleep and Jared knew what he meant, more than anything he just wanted to lay down and sleep but he couldn’t. He urged Jensen onward and they walked right into disaster. If Jared had been more alert he would have heard the buzzing but he wasn’t and when the bees attacked it was a surprise. There was nothing, then as they passed a rocky outcrop they were suddenly surrounded by a swarm of angry bees. They had walked into a mess of killer bees, the bees that Jensen and Megan had both warned him about them but they said they were easy to avoid. Yeah as long as you didn’t walk right up to where their hive was, they were easy to avoid.

Jared tried to pull Jensen into a run but he stumbled and fell down. Jared reached down and picked him up and carried him away as fast he could, swiping bees off as fast as he could. He could see where the welts were rising on Jensen’s face by the dimming light of the sunset. The irony wasn’t lost on Jared that if they had just been a few minutes slower the bees would have been asleep for the night and most likely Jared and Jensen wouldn’t have been attacked. He kept walking until he realized just how unresponsive Jensen was.

Judging that they were far enough away from the bees, Jared set Jensen down on the ground. He was unconscious and his breathing was labored. Jared almost freaked out until he realized that Jensen needed him. He double checked him for any more bees and grew more and more alarmed at just how many times Jensen had been stung.

With relief he heard the chopper again. Looking up he could see it not too far above the tree line that they had been heading for. He needed to go fast and get help for Jensen. But he didn’t want to leave Jensen like this, he might. . . Jared couldn’t even think it. Jensen drew in another shaky breath and Jared made a decision. Kissing Jensen on the lips, Jared promised him that he would be back. “Just hold on, please.”

He started out trying to run but he just didn’t have the energy so he walked, one foot in front of the other as fast as he could. It seemed like hours later when the light from the helicopter finally fell on him and it began to land. Alan jumped out and he pulled Jared into a hug. Jared pulled back and realized that he had been stung more than he had thought, he couldn’t talk his throat seemed to close on his words almost on his breath.

Alan was dragging him back to the helicopter and Jared was trying to tell him about Jensen. Finally he dug his feet into the dirt and Alan turned back to look at him. Jared pointed out into the brush where he had come from. Held up two fingers looking intently at Alan and pointed again. ‘Jensen,’ Alan Ackles mouthed to him. Jared nodded emphatically and Alan nodded and pulled Jared into the helicopter.

He was given a shot of what he would find out later was adrenalin and he wouldn’t lie down until Jensen was safe too. They were going slowly in the direction that Jared had come from until finally someone spotted Jensen and then they were landing.

Alan was rushing over to Jensen and then he yelled back to the helicopter and started CPR on Jensen. No! He was out of the helicopter and running up to Jensen. Then there was another helicopter landing and Jared and Alan were pushed out of the way as paramedics began to work on him. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. A sob caught in Jared’s throat. Someone led him and Alan back to the helicopter saying something about getting Jared to the emergency room then Jared started fighting. He had to stay with Jensen, he had to.

Crying, Alan slapped him and Jared looked at the man. They both had tears streaming down their faces. ‘Hospital,” Alan mouthed at him, the helicopter too loud for his voice to be heard. Jared fell back into a seat and he nodded, wondering if he was ever going to see Jensen again.

The helicopter dropped them off fifteen minutes later, just after Jensen’s copter. They were greeted by a nurse who took one look at Jared then led him to a chair and wheeled him into the hospital. There were a bunch of people around one bed Jared saw as the nurse helped him into another bed on the other side of the emergency ward.

“Code blue,” someone called out from the corner and Jared sat up trying to see and at the same time afraid to see who they were working on. There was a gap and Jared could see Jensen with a tube down his throat. “Clear,” someone else said and everyone stopped working on Jensen and then he arched his back and Jared stifled a sob as the gap closed and he could no longer see him.

A nurse had started an IV and Jared didn’t notice until he could feel the cooler liquid flowing into his body. Looking up he saw a doctor pull a syringe out of the IV. “For the pain and so you can rest.”

Jared wanted to tell him that he didn’t want to rest, that he needed to know if Jensen was okay. But whatever the man had put into his IV it was fast acting. He felt his eyes close as Alan walked into his room with a devastated look on his face and Jared slipped into unconsciousness with sorrow following him down.

Waking up with the smell of hospital in his nose, Jared’s eyes snapped open. Then he remembered and he wished he could just go back to sleep. Someone snored softly and Jared looked around. He saw Mackenzie looking most uncomfortable in a chair yet still managing to sleep. Jared could see tear tracks that traced her face and Jared’s last hope that it had just been a nightmare blew away. Making a strangled sort of noise when he tried to muffle a sob, he woke Mackenzie up.

“Jared,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” Jared croaked out, his throat hurt.

“You’re awake, I’m supposed to get Mom if, when you woke up,” she tried to cover up her mistake. Jared nodded and she left returning moments later with Donna.

“I’m sorry,” Jared said again.

“You’re all right, that’s what’s important,” Donna told him her eyes bright with tears.

Jared shook his head. “About Jensen,” he managed to get out past his abused throat.

“What about me?” A voice that Jared had thought he was never going to hear again, said to him.

Jared’s head swung around so fast that his neck cracked but Jared didn’t notice. Jensen was in the bed next to him. Alive. Alive! He beamed a smile at the man in the other bed.

“It was you we were worried about,” Jensen said. “You had a reaction to the morphine that they gave you. You almost died. As it was you were on a respirator for a while.”

That explained the sore throat. “But what about you?” Jared asked.

Jensen gave him a cocky grin. “I coded but they brought me back. I’m almost good as new.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” A doctor said as she walked into the hospital room. “I hear that sleeping beauty woke up.” She gave Jared a wink. Jared looked down at his hands unsure of what he was supposed to do.

She checked his vital signs and gave him a smile. “We’ll get you out of here soon. No reason to keep healthy people in the hospital now that they are awake.”

Donna looked at the doctor. “Today?”

She nodded. “As long as sleeping beauty here can eat something, you can leave this afternoon.”

Donna smiled at the doctor and then looked at Jared. “Eat,” she said with a stern look on her face that Jared smiled at.

“Get me some food,” Jared said.

“Me too,” Jensen said after him.

“You’ve had breakfast,” the doctor told him.

Jensen pouted and when Jared’s food came, he gave Jensen the toast, watching as Jensen ate it with a grin. Jared was happy that Donna left them alone while he ate, his hands were shaking pretty bad.

“What do you remember?” Jared asked Jensen to distract him from staring.

“I remember the flash flood and Rose,” sadness was in his voice, “I remember walking and being thirsty.” Jensen stared at Jared for a long moment. “We talked about stuff and I remember being sick and a kiss that was pretty wonderful. Thirsty, oh was I thirsty and then,” Jensen paused and thought for a moment. “Bees, holy shit we walked into a hive of killer bees.”

Jared nodded his way through Jensen’s explanation though he froze when Jensen mentioned the kiss. Swallowing his last bite of soup, Jared pushed his tray away. He had to ask but he really didn’t want to. “Do you remember what we talked about.”

Jensen looked down at his hands that were twisting his blanket into little knots. Releasing it he took a deep breath and smoothed his blanket down. “We talked about what happened to me in California when I was six and about what happened to you at your foster home when you were young, too young.” Jensen glanced over at Jared and then back down at his hands. “I. . .I really think you need to tell someone, talk to someone.”

“I did tell someone,” Jared said quietly, “you.”

“I meant a professional, I can’t. . .I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay. You’re the first person I told, and my world didn’t explode. Which, I guess, was what I was afraid would happen. Maybe I can talk to Cindy about some of this shit.”

“Good,” Jensen said and swung his feet out of bed. Jared could see swellings that dotted his legs.

“Is it all like that?”

“My face and neck are pretty clear of them. Thank you by the way. The doc said that if you hadn’t managed to get me away from there, I would have died.” Jensen pulled his gown up a bit and showed Jared that he was covered with the stings. Walking over to a bag that was in a chair he pulled out jeans and held them up to him. They were too long for him, he grinned and tossed them to Jared, who had swung his legs out of bed.

“Doc says that we’ll need to take some kind of anti-histamine for a while to help with swelling and itching. And, lucky us, we get to carry epi-pens in case we get stung again. She thinks that our bodies might have gotten hyper-sensitive to the bees, so we might go into some kind of shock if one of us gets stung.” Jensen gave Jared the rest of his clothes while he talked.

“Anaphylactic,” Jared said.

“What?”

“Anaphylactic shock. I had a classmate almost die because of a peanut that got into his lunch. They said it was anaphylactic shock,” Jared said and pulled the curtain that was between them so that they could both dress in privacy.

Donna, Alan, and Mackenzie were all at the hospital. Jared was embarrassed and tried to apologize. Donna told him that they were glad he was all right and that Jensen was all right. Everything else was second to that.

A week later he was sitting in front of Cindy, talking about what happened to him when he was younger. They talked for over an hour and she cancelled her next appointment just so Jared could get it all out. He was afraid if he didn’t tell it all then he wouldn’t be able to finish later.

“I can understand why you would want to know how you know if you were gay,” she said to him.

Jared shook his head. He told her about Rose’s Dream and how he finally figured out on his own; he had just asked her to confirm his ideas.

“Sounds like she’s a good friend,” Cindy said.

“She was a horse,” Jared said quietly.

“I have found some of my best friends have worn fur or feathers, shape doesn’t matter,” Cindy said and then asked, “You said was. . .”

Jared launched into the story of his running away. About Rose and Jensen finding him, about the flash flood and about how he fell into the water. Jared choked up when he told her about how Jensen said that she had saved him. Explaining to her how shocked he was when he realized that her leg was broken and what that meant.

“There was no way to get help, we couldn’t just leave her there to die,” Jared said between tears.

“Of course not,” Cindy agreed but it didn’t make Jared feel any better.

“We, Jensen he. . .” Jared stumbled. “He said it wouldn’t hurt and it didn’t seem to. She was a good horse.” Jared was crying now where before when he had been talking about what had happened to him he had been almost clinical. “She was my friend. They said she was dangerous, that she needed to be put down. She was like me, broken a little, messed up,” Jared was talking through gasping sobs. “Maybe,” he looked up at Cindy and then back down to his hands that he had clasped in front of him, “maybe, I need to be put down.”

“Jared, no,” Cindy was firm. “From what you have said, she might have been dangerous to others. You are not. You have been working so hard on controlling your temper and you are so brave in coming here and telling me what you have. I’m sorry your friend died, and that you had to watch it happen. But it doesn’t change that you have come a long, long way from the boy who walked in here a few of months ago.” Cindy took a breath and she seemed to want to reach out to Jared.

“It’ll get better, I promise.”

Jared looked at her closely.

“I’m not saying it won’t take time and some work but it will get better,” Cindy said and looked him in the eye. She asked him to keep a journal. He didn’t have to show it to her or anyone but it might be a way of organizing his feelings. He nodded.

“Next week,” she said and pushed a button to call her receptionist again.

Jared stood up and walked to the door stopping with his hand on the knob.

“You know, Rose was lucky too, lucky that she got to see the real you,” Cindy said quietly and Jared didn’t know how to respond to that so he nodded and left.

Three weeks later Jared felt better and worse. He was more confident in how he was reacting to people in very small increments. However Jensen, Jensen was driving him crazy. Jared was packing to go and stay with Jeff for the Thanksgiving holiday and he was frustrated. He hadn’t managed to get Jensen alone for more than a minute after they got out of the hospital. It was like Jensen was going out of his way to avoid him and it hurt.

Leaving in less than twelve hours didn’t leave him with time to really sit him down and talk with Jensen. Jared went to the kitchen to get a drink and stood staring again out into the yard. Thinking maybe he’d get to see Jensen but he didn’t. Turning to go back to bed he was brought up short by Jensen who was standing in the hallway the light behind him so Jared couldn’t see his face.

“I’ll be out of your hair for a few days,” Jared said.

“Look, I,” Jensen started.

“I don’t want to hear what you have to say. You have made it very clear you don’t want to be around me, I’m just letting you know that I’m leaving for a while.” Jared was angry and tired. He pushed past Jensen and walked to his room.

“Sorry,” Jared heard Jensen murmur and Jared walked into his room and shut the door.

Visiting with Jeff was great. He cooked and they talked about Megan and the Ackles, hardly mentioning Jensen. Finally the day after Thanksgiving, Jared started talking about what had happened to him. Jeff confirmed that yeah it had happened to him too but he had wanted to protect Jared and Megan. Jared nodded.

He told Jeff about therapy and Cindy and how she really was helping him straighten things out. Then at night right before bed Jared told Jeff about being gay. He was planning on leaving the next morning so he figured this was his last chance.

Jeff reacted badly.

“You can’t be, it’s just because of what happened to you. You’re confused,” Jeff told him at first.

“I’m not confused. I’m not a baby,” Jared said, trying to stay calm.

“Stuff happened to me in jail, too. When I got out I was wondering if it made me gay. But as soon as I got laid I was good. How many people have to slept with?”

Jared didn’t think he was talking about the molestation so he told him no one.

“There’s your problem -- we need to get you laid,” Jeff said and Jared was shaking his head. It wasn’t about sex, it was about who he was attracted to, who he liked. But Jeff was adamant and called up one of his friends. Jared blushed as Jeff said his little brother needed his cherry popped. Pretty soon there was a knock on the door.

Jeff let a woman in. She looked Jared over and then gave Jeff a cat that ate the canary smile. “Sure,” she said.

“Well get to it. I’m going to take a long walk. Take your time,” Jeff said, stepping out the door and shutting it behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Jared said. “I can’t do this.”

“Aw sugar, how do you know ‘til you try?” She walked up to him and put her hand on his crotch. Jared nearly jumped out of his skin. She was determined however and kept rubbing him until he was halfway hard.

“No,” he said stepping back.

“What are you some kind of queer or something,” she snapped.

“Yeah, I am,” Jared told her.

“Well then I ain’t wasting my here. Tell your brother to pick a boy next time. This is the last time I’m doing him a favor.” She hadn’t even gotten out of her coat.

Jeff got back half an hour later. “So?” he asked.

“So, nothing,” Jared snapped. “I’m gay, getting laid by a girl isn’t going to change that.”

“You’re not gay, stop saying that,” Jeff demanded.

“What are you going to do? Hit me? What?” Jared asked getting in Jeff’s face. “I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. If you can’t handle that then maybe I should leave now.”

“Maybe you should,” Jeff said.

Jared had tears in his eyes as he turned and headed back to the small bedroom that he had been staying in. Grabbing his clothes and tossing them into his duffle, he slammed out of the room and headed for the front door. Jeff stopped him before he got there.

“You need to figure this out, Jared. No brother of mine is going to be gay. I didn’t go to prison for you just so you could end up a fudge packer.”

Jerking out of Jeff’s grasp, Jared glared at him.

“Maybe I don’t want to be your brother then, because I am what I am.”

“If you leave, don’t bother trying to come back,” Jeff said.

Jared stood looking at his brother for a long moment. “Fine, I won’t,” he said and left. Finding a payphone down the block Jared stopped and called Jensen’s cell phone. It was close to two in the morning and he was just praying that Jensen had the thing on him.

“Hello,” Jensen answered.

Jared was quiet for a moment and Jensen said it again. “Hello?”

Clearing his throat Jared spoke up finally. “Hi.”

“Jared? Is everything okay?”

Tears started to fill his eyes. Why did Jeff have to be this way? “I. . .I need a ride.”

“Now?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I was supposed to take the bus back there but Jeff’s got the ticket,” Jared managed to say.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m on my way. Where are you?” Jensen asked.

“There’s a Safeway down the road, the only one in town.”

“Okay, I see you there in--” Jared could almost feel Jensen figuring out driving time. “Four hours.”

“Thank you,” Jared said quietly.

“Just, be safe,” Jensen said and hung up.

Four hours later, Jared was climbing into Jensen’s truck. Jensen smiled at him and then pulled out of the parking lot. Giving up on trying to get Jared to talk, Jensen talked about what he had been doing. How the horses were. How Mac was.

“Dude, I only left three days ago,” Jared said.

Jensen gave him a smile and shut up. They drove in silence for about an hour then Jared, who had been watching the mile posts pass, coming into view by the headlights and then fading into the darkness again, spoke up.

“I told Jeff,” Jared looked over at Jensen and then back out the side window. “I told him I was gay.”

Jensen made a noise that had Jared looking at him again. “And,” Jensen prompted.

“And he didn’t take it well. Said I wasn’t his brother.” Jared stopped at Jensen’s gasp. “The night before we had talked about being abused and he told me it was because of that, that I was confused. I am not confused. Cindy said it is who you are attracted to and I am not attracted to girls,” Jared said quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen said.

“Why? Do you think it’s just because of what happened to me that made me this way?” Jared was defensive.

“No, I’m sorry your brother wasn’t more understanding. For what it’s worth Mom and Dad won’t think twice about it. I told them I thought I was gay years ago,” Jensen explained.

Jared looked at Jensen in surprise. “But, what about those girls?”

Jensen smirked at Jared. “Just ‘cause I like men doesn’t mean I can’t find a woman beautiful.”

“Oh,” Jared said and then went back to staring out the window, lost in thought. “Why weren’t you talking to me afterwards.” Jared didn’t think he’d have to explain after what. “Were you ashamed of me?” Jared asked quietly.

“No, dude you had just almost died. I almost died. I wanted you to be sure and not just grateful or something,” Jensen tried to explain. “And maybe I’m scared. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I haven’t had a successful relationship. My parents love you, Mac thinks of you like a brother and you are still in high school. I freaked a little, I’m sorry.”

Jared nodded slowly, accepting Jensen’s apology. Talking about Mackenzie made him think about Megan. “Do you think Megan will still want to see me? I mean after she finds out.” Jared spoke up after a few miles.

“Well, I don’t know her but yeah I do. I think your brother is taking it like an attack on his manhood or something. That shouldn’t happen with Megan.”

“But what if she’s found Jesus and she thinks I’m evil?”

“Do you think you’re evil?”

Jared shook his head. “I’ve been like this forever, I just never talked about it.”

“Gee I wonder why,” Jensen said sarcastically. “Seriously, I think she’ll take it better than your brother. She could hardly take it worse.”

“But what if she doesn’t want to see me anymore?” Jared asked.

“You can ‘what if’ it to death. Or you can just tell her and find out what happens. No matter what, I’ll be here for you.” Jensen reached over and squeezed Jared’s hand, letting go before he could pull away. Jared wasn’t sure what Jensen meant and was afraid to ask, so he sat there.

They turned down the drive to get to the Ackles just as the sun peeked over the horizon and Jared sat up a bit. There was a silver BMW in the drive, Jensen parked the truck and looked at Jared. “Josh is here, just ‘till tomorrow. He has your room. You can sleep on the couch or. . .” Jensen voice trailed off and he blushed.

“Or?” Jared asked.

“Or you could stay in my room. I won’t try anything, I promise.” Jensen was trying to reassure Jared and Jared was comforted that Jensen thought about him.

“Your room is fine, I trust you.” Jared realized that he meant it. He did trust Jensen.

Jensen smiled, that big toe curling smile. “Okay, great, then let’s get in. Mom’s looking forward to feeding you.”

Jared smiled and followed Jensen into the house. He was tired but managed to stay awake through breakfast. Jensen said something about them sharing a room and Donna nodded. The next thing Jared knew he was bundled off to Jensen’s room with a set of pajamas and orders to get some rest. They kept Jensen in the kitchen to question him but it didn’t upset Jared. At least they cared.

Stumbling out of the shower, Jared slipped into the night clothes and then into Jensen’s full sized bed. He barely woke when Jensen came in a while later. “Scoot over, you lug,” Jensen said and pushed on him.

Jared moved closer to the wall and felt the bed dip as Jensen got into bed, then he fell back asleep. Waking hours later, Jared found he was wrapped around Jensen. Jared blushed as he realized that he had been rubbing up against Jensen like a cat in heat. He pulled back.

Jensen cleared his throat and if Jared thought he was embarrassed before that was nothing compared to this. He could feel the heat rising from his face.

“Don’t stop on my account,” Jensen said quietly.

“But, I don’t want to. . .” Jared said and stopped as Jensen turned and settled in his arms, faces close.

“What?”

“Take advantage,” Jared said.

Jensen smiled, flashing his teeth. “Trust me, if anyone wants to take advantage it’s me.”

Jared raised an eyebrow. “Oh really?” He couldn’t believe he was flirting with Jensen.

Leaning in a little closer, Jensen gave Jared plenty of time to move if he wanted to. Jared didn’t want to so when Jensen’s breath flowed over his lips he parted them. “Just a kiss,” Jensen said quietly before capturing Jared’s lips with his.

Jared felt a bolt of desire start in his middle and head somewhere lower. For the first time ever, his desire wasn’t followed by shame or guilt. The whole thing he’d been through with Jensen and the fight with Jeff seemed to solidify something that he hadn’t really been sure of. This was what he wanted. To be in Jensen’s arms. He opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, his tongue tentatively touching Jensen’s.

Jensen moaned and leaned in more, kissing Jared back. Tongues tangled and lips parted and came together again. Jared lifted his hand hesitantly and touched Jensen’s face. Jensen pulled back and they stared at one another. Jared’s long fingers ran across Jensen’s cheek his thumb brushing Jensen’s lower lip. Jensen’s mouth parted and his eyes closed. Jared was amazed that he could do this to Jensen. He curled his fingers around Jensen’s chin and pulled him closer for another kiss.

Jared ran his tongue around the edge of Jensen’s lips and he pulled the lower one between his teeth. Jensen pressed closer and they were together head to toe. Jared could feel Jensen’s hard on pressing against his hip and he was more than aware of his own hard cock that was pushing against Jensen’s stomach.

Shifting so that their erections lined up, Jared pushed his hips forward and was rewarded with a gasp from Jensen. He leaned back again to look at Jared. “Is this okay?”

“Hell yes,” Jared answered and pulled him back down again, his hips pushing against Jensen’s, their cocks rubbing through their pajamas. Lips met, breath mingled as they came together again. It had been so long since Jared had felt desire without any shame that he was emotionally overwhelmed and very close to coming. “Jensen,” he whispered, almost a plea.

“You’re safe, I’ve got ya,” Jensen murmured into Jared’s ear before biting on the lobe. Once again, it seemed that he just needed to hear Jensen say it and he believed it. Letting go, Jared pressed harder against Jensen. He could feel his release building, he whimpered and bit down on Jensen’s shoulder as he came, warm dampness spreading between them. Jensen made a small noise and pushed against Jared a couple more times before he held still and Jared could feel his cock pulsing between them.

Laying in Jensen’s arms, Jared knew he would have to move soon but he wanted to just revel in the lack of shame he felt. It was good. He pushed off of Jensen slowly. “Shower?”

“Sure,” Jensen said with another of those smiles that Jared loved. Getting up they both went into the bathroom. Realizing that showering with Jensen meant getting naked with Jensen, Jared backpedaled.

“You first,” he said. “I’ll get us some clean clothes.”

Jensen looked a little confused but he just told Jared okay and stripped, getting into the shower. Jared went back out, checking the bed first to make sure he didn’t need to change the sheets, then he found Jensen some sweatpants and underwear. Digging a pair of his sweats out of his duffel and snagging a t-shirt, he waited until Jensen shut the water off before heading back in.

“Here,” Jared said with a small smile handing Jensen the sweats.

“Thanks,” Jensen said and while he dried off Jared tried not to stare. Jensen was perfect, at least to Jared’s eyes.

Jared waited for Jensen to leave the bathroom before he started to take off his pajamas. Laying the come soaked items in a pile with Jensen’s, Jared started the water, avoiding looking into any mirrors. Jared washed and tried to keep the feeling of contentment that he had had. However the thought of what Jensen’s reaction would be to seeing him naked, it made him want to curl up into a little ball.

Foster home eleven, while he wasn’t sexually abused there he had been physically abused. His foster mom would put cigarettes out on his back when he did something she didn’t like, like breathing too loudly. And then good old dad was quick with his hand and quicker with his belt. One time, Jared still didn’t know what he’d done wrong, his foster dad had laid into him with the buckle side of the belt. Jared remembered screaming and then something being stuffed in his mouth. The blood seemed to excite the guy and while Jared was trying to remember how to breathe with the cloth shoved into his mouth and snot and tears running down his face, his foster father had gotten a knife.

He had stopped only when he realized that Jared was bleeding onto his precious carpet, leaving bloodstains that Jared would later scrub on trying to get them out. Jared had healed, slowly and badly because he kept breaking the wounds open while doing housework. It happened at the start of winter break and by the time he was back in school, the wounds had mostly healed. A month later and he was on to foster home twelve, who just didn’t seem to care at all but then neither did Jared.

But now, thanks to that bastard, his back was a mess, scars crisscrossed it and Jared was very self conscious of it. One of the nurses at the hospital had asked and Jared had told her it had happened long ago, a car accident and she had believed him, just like everyone else did. But he didn’t want to lie to Jensen, and he didn’t know what to say.

He often felt weakened by everything that had happened to him. If he had been stronger he would have told on his foster dad when he molested him. If he had been stronger he would have found a way for Megan and him to stay together. If he had been stronger, he would have fought back like Jeff did instead of just taking everything like he deserved it. Except there was a part of him that said he did deserve it, because he wasn’t ever strong enough.

He washed the drying come off of his stomach and then washed the rest of himself. He dried off and put on the sweats and t-shirt. Opening the door he stopped and looked a Jensen who was sitting on the edge of the bed, in sweat pants only. Jared’s eyes took in the smooth tan skin of Jensen’s chest and arms, finally he looked at Jensen’s face. Jensen was watching him with a half smile on his face.

“Like what you see?”

Jared walked over to Jensen standing between his legs. Jensen tilted his head back and Jared leaned down. “Yeah, I do,” Jared said before capturing Jensen’s lips in a kiss.

“Good,” Jensen said. “Let’s go get some food. It’s got to be dinner time. I think I smell dinner.”

“Okay,” Jared said.

“And you can meet Josh,” Jensen sounded excited. “Come on.” He tugged at Jared’s hand.

“Don’t you think you should. . .”

“What?” Jensen asked.

“Put a shirt on?” Jared said.

“Oh yeah,” Jensen said snagging a shirt from his dresser. “This’ll do.” He didn’t even look at it just pulled it over his head. Giving Jared a smile he led him into the kitchen and into chaos.

“Jared,” Mackenzie yelled.

“Mac no yelling,” Donna said and waved at Jared and Jensen.

“Glad you could join us,” Alan said. “You haven’t met Josh, come here.” He led Jared away from Jensen and into the mess. He could see at least five of Mackenzie’s friends and a couple of men over in a corner.

“Jensen come here,” Alan yelled.

“Allen,” Donna said exasperated.

“What?” Allen looked at her so innocently that Jared laughed.

Jensen was smiling at his dad and he came and stood near Jared.

“Jared, Jensen this is Chris, Josh’s partner. Jared this is Josh.” Alan introduced the men. Chris was quiet but then so was Jared in the hubbub that was going on around them they just smiled at one another. Josh on the other hand.

“Jared,” Josh smiled and shook Jared’s hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” Jared’s eyebrows raised. “All good, I promise. It sounds like you fit in here pretty good.” Jared smiled, uncertain as to what he was supposed to say. “Sorry about taking your room. Well, it used to be mine but Mom gave me up for lost a long time ago.”

“I heard that Josh Ackles,” Donna said, looking up from where she was setting the table.

“You were supposed to,” Josh said and stuck his tongue out at Donna. Chris bumped Josh and told him to grow up, before going over to see if Donna needed help.

Jensen and Alan got into an argument about who should have won the Lone Star Showdown, Jensen saying that the Aggies clearly played the better game but Alan saying that didn’t matter because the Longhorns won. Jared heard something about bad calls and bad refs and then he stopped listening.

Mackenzie and her friends were playing some kind of tag in the kitchen area until Donna ran them all outside for a few. Josh spoke to Jared, surprising him because Jared didn’t even know he was still there.

“So, you and Jensen?”

Jared flushed, wondering if he was that obvious.

“No, you’re not that obvious,” Josh said seeming to read Jared’s mind. “It’s just I haven’t seen Jensen so comfortable with anyone, ever. I hear I have you to thank for saving his life.”

Jared felt the blush start somewhere around his stomach and move outwards, he wondered if it was possible to glow from embarrassment.

“It’s cool,” Josh said. “If you ever want an older brother’s perspective on things, just give me a call. I can usually get what’s bugging Jenny in five words or less. It’s a game Mom and I play.”

Jared stood there, conflicting emotions running through his body; embarrassment still, and envy that Jensen’s brother was so cool about everything when Jeff had been such an ass, and gratefulness that Josh had offered. He just opened and closed his mouth a few times and Josh smiled one of the wonderful Ackles smiles that made Jared all warm inside.

“You’re welcome,” Josh said and then he turned back to the action in the dining room. “Looks like food’s on. Come on, Mom says you don’t eat enough.”

“An elephant couldn’t eat enough to satisfy that woman,” Jared said under his breath and Josh threw back his head and laughed.

“Welcome to the family,” Josh said and Jared smiled. It felt good here. For the first time ever it felt like home.


End file.
